Crash and Buuuuurn

As a pre-teen I supported Liverpool football team, even to the extent that I forgave Kenny Dalglish for his appalling attitude when signing my overpriced lampshade in the local co-op. Nowadays I have seen the light, refusing to take an interest in the tediously spoilt and intellectually retarded "professional" footballers.

However, one thing has always stuck in mind - partly because of its irony given their childish histrionics. In the tunnel leading out to the pitch was a quote from the Kipling poem 'If' which reads: "If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same". I had cause to think of that as today’s 5k race was a bit of a disaster in contrast to last month’s triumph at the same venue.

Incidentally I can only assume Kipling liked his beers because the only instance I can think of where you can treat triumph and disaster the same is to respond to them by getting plastered in the pub. As I no longer drink I’ll go ahead and treat them differently and moan like a bitch rather than the usual gloat.

Conditions were hardly ideal as it was breezy and felt very hot, but nothing extreme and as I wasn’t factoring them in too strongly beforehand it would be unfair to blame them in hindsight. What is true is that I never really felt comfortable and even at the 1km marker had the feeling that it was going to be a very long day. Everything seemed a little harder than it should including clearing my nostrils - but with the resulting output not quite clearing my shirt.

The race splits tell the story far better than graphic language could: 3:15, 3:19, 3:23, 3:32 and 3:39 to finish in 17:10. I must admit on the final incline I felt as though I was laying a railroad over the River Kwai.

It’s a shame for my performance to soil my debut in my Riverside Runners (local club) vest, although in some ways the run matched the shirt. I don’t know who designed the damn thing but it looks like a dress – or the perfect shape to fit over a beer belly. I look ridiculous in most clothes but this one fits around the chest and then turns into a maternity shirt around the middle. Fortunately the wind wasn’t too strong today as I had enough sail around my middle for a Mary Poppins impression.